For a Better Family

Zeenath is a graduate. She is a talented, matured, educated woman and an eloquent speaker. She is a mother of five children and taking care of them well. When she was married

Written by

UMMU FATHIMA

Published on

August 16, 2022

Zeenath is a graduate. She is a talented, matured, educated woman and an eloquent speaker. She is a mother of five children and taking care of them well. When she was married, her age was below twenty and had just passed her matriculation. But, her sweetheart thought his life-partner should be an educated, mature and knowledgeable person and she should become a guide to the society. He lifted her hands which were about to confine within the four walls of their kitchen and poured much confidence in her. Hence she turned out to be a qualified, responsible social worker.

Hafza is a skilled woman and has much educational qualifications. She was taking classes and was a fine orator. But when she was married, her responsibility to the family increased. She has four children now. Her husband is an Islamist, but what to say, he blames her for very silly matters. When she hears ‘Hafza’, she only recalls bad things and feels awfully, ‘why I am called’. His speech is always to accuse her even before their children.  The children are also very naughty and give defiant answers always. She feared to her responsibility and confined into herself. She participates in the classes for the sake of her presence.

A woman is the lamp of a family. A lamp usually lights if it is polished and filled with good amount of oil in it. Then it gives warm lights. If it falls down, it fades out or burns enrage.  Love and compromise are the two substances which keep the light alight in the family.

A girl comes into to the married life before she gains much maturity. She may have a lot of limitations. She enters a new life with a lot of dreams and hopes, so she has to adopt this entirely new situation and needs to prepare herself to comprehend the new circumstances. She can adjust without much problem at first. But when she has two or three children her responsibilities augment. At this time, if her husband well understands her troubles, it provides her confidence and courage. If she gets quarrels and blames instead of love, it compresses her personality. As a result of it, unwanted fears and anxiety are filled with her mind. Hence the love in her becomes an ordinary duty of the responsibility.

Men and women are very unlike in their physical and mental structures. Allah, the Almighty, created them to do their different responsibilities according to their ability. Both have their own intricacies and problems. The heavy workload of a man increases his physical and mental problems. He wants his wife to console him by knowing his situations. This mentality should be given back to her too. He should understand her problems also.

Men usually say: “What on earth you have in the house? A little to cook, to clean the house, to take care of children, finished, nothing more?” Yes finished, but there are some other things also she undergoes that their men never consider seriously. A woman has to go through a lot of physical and mental inconveniences like menstruation, carrying her baby, pregnancy, breastfeeding. 77% of the women suffer pain and anxiety at the time of their menstruations. This time she expresses angry and uneasiness usually. She cannot concentrate on her work at this time. She has to experience this phase every month. Her physical and mental health is not normal when she is carrying, pregnant and breastfeeding. In behaviour also there are some feminine limitations. Should a man compel her at this occasion to do her all responsibilities she does at normal time?

The woman, who receives ‘blames’ from her husband, often forgets to express her love and affection to her children while she busily does her work at home. She approaches him with a fearful heart and fails to communicate through the language of love. One day, when his shirt is still not pressed, even a silly question like ‘what happened today, my shirt is not yet ready?’, it brings to her mind like ‘O! yesterday also I could not press the shirt; today I have to do hastily’. If she hears blaming words, that work befalls a burden to her mind unknowingly.

A majority of men face tension and problems at their work. It is usual that if he is not getting expected love and care at home he becomes irritated, but it is not a solution to blame others. If a man spends countless money for his family, but is unsuccessful to express his love to his wife and children, then his love becomes unrecognised. True love will only come out from a fearless heart.

A man once divorced his wife accusing her that she never loves and cares him. When he goes out after separation, the poor woman says to her children, “Children, I kept eggs for your father in the store room, please boil them and give to your father!” The love which is never expressed in their good time leads to bring quarrel each other. Some men even think of another marriage. How can a man look after another woman when he fails to take care of his first life partner?

A family is a system which produces love and affection when the family members come together. Allah, has never appointed a ‘bharya (a woman to be ruled by a man) and a bharthavu (a man to rule a woman), but Allah says, “And among His signs is that He created for you wives from among yourselves, that may find repose in them, and he has put between you affection and mercy. Verily, in that are indeed signs for a people who reflect. (Ar-Rum: 21).

Love and compromise each other are the two qualities which must be in a family. To build these two, the couple should know well each other. A person’s character is formed in the situation he/she grows. Good and bad circumstances may be there. Instead of blaming each other, the couples should try to understand each other and discuss the things that matter, and then a healthy relation blooms in between them.

Islam advises a woman to obey her husband and desist all the things he does not like. The Prophet teaches, ‘The best person among you is a man who behaves with his wife very well’. A tendency is seen among men to control their wives because of their excess responsibility, thought, anxiety, uncontrolled anger, pessimism, the thought that ‘my wife is my own’ and others. Such a person should realise their weakness and try to change their character. Then only he can make in her a good wife and a mother.

[Translated by Sameema S Musadhique from Malayalam weekly Prabhodhanam, May 3, 2008]