Marriage is a lot more than having someone to call a husband or wife. The marital relationship is an incredible blessing and a divine sign, as Allah the Exalted says in the Qur’ān, “And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquillity in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.” (Qur’ān 30:21)
The whole purpose of having a spouse is to find tranquillity in and with them; and our relationships with our spouses have signs that Allah the Exalted is asking us to give thought to. The million dollar question is, how to find this tranquillity. What do the couples have to do to display deep love and contentment during their relationship? The following are some habits which should be adopted by couples to find tranquillity and happiness in their marriage:
LOVE EACH OTHER FOR ALLAH’S SAKE
The couple should make love and obedience of Allah the Exalted as the basis and focus of one’s relationship. It means you love someone so much that you want your love for them to last beyond this lifetime and into the Hereafter, where you can live in eternal happiness with them having earned Allah’s pleasure together. It means you love someone purely because of how much they remind you of Allah the Exalted and help you get closer to Him.
A couple who loves you for Allah’s sake will stop one another from suspicion, ill-will, backbiting, etc. They will help one another to be kind and gentle, to fulfil people’s trust, to be more honest, to forgive someone, to become more generous and less extravagant, to recognise and overcome the weaknesses, etc. They will engage in winning Allah’s pleasure together whenever and in any way they can. They glorify Allah the Exalted together in the quiet hours of Fajr, they thank Allah and ask for forgiveness in Tahajjud together, they make a point to read the Qur’ān every day, they indulge in acts of kindness and charity, they maintain loving and happy ties with each other’s families. Thus, a good couple should consistently help each other to get closer to Allah the Exalted. They should stop each other from anything that may lower them in the sight of Allah the Exalted and constantly help each other win Allah’s pleasure.
BE GRATEFUL TO EACH OTHER
If there is one fundamental need that exists in every single human relationship, it is the need to feel relevant and appreciated. And there is no other relationship where this need is as grossly overlooked and abused, as in marriage. It is because humans tend to take things for granted, especially when they’re done by those closest to them.
In order to be happy, couples should thank one another. As Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings of Allah be to him) said, “He who does not thank the people is not thankful to Allah.” (Abu Dawood) There are many occasions and instances to thank, for example, the husband can thank his wife for making a home out of your house, for cooking good food, for washing your clothes, for breast-feeding your child, etc. The wife should thank her husband for buying you dresses, for buying you good food, for being there to take care of your needs, for coming back home, etc.
Allah the Exalted says in the Qur’ān, “… If you are grateful, I will surely increase you (in favour); but if you deny, indeed, My punishment is severe.” (Qur’ān 14:7) Our spouses are an immense favour and blessing of Allah the Exalted upon us, they are an irreplaceable source of spiritual, emotional, social, mental and physical comfort. The couples who are grateful every day for each other, Allah the Exalted increases the happiness they find in each other, just like Allah the Exalted promised.
On the other hand, people who are not grateful will have days of depression, frustration, anger, spite, lack of blessing, illness and hardships. The ungrateful need not wait for the Hereafter to bear the consequences as they will experience hell in the world itself. Thus, the couple should be grateful to one another by exchanging a smile, by saying thank you or JazakAllah, by doing small things, writing good things about one another and exchanging it, etc.
COMMUNICATE LIKE BEST FRIENDS
A couple should always talk like best friends as they are the closest to us. We need to speak like best friends in good times and in conflict. In good times, they should tell each other about their day, joke, laugh, share ideas, complement each other, respect their rights to hold different opinions and learn from each other’s opposing points of view. Couples that have learnt to communicate effectively do away with the majority of marital stress because they become so attuned to each other’s feelings that they can immediately sense the emotional state of their spouse through the slightest change in words or tone.
NEVER LOSE FOCUS ON PRIMARY NEEDS
The primary reason for continuous marital stress and discord is almost always due to the neglect of a spouse’s primary needs. Men and women are equally human. Allah the Exalted has created both genders with a sense of human dignity, with physical desires and with hearts that have feelings. When wives get bad-tempered and say mean things to their spouses, husbands do feel hurt and unloved; and when husbands are rude and hurl insults at their spouses, wives do feel humiliated and disrespected. When a woman’s physical desires are consistently dismissed or left half-fulfilled, she feels as frustrated as a man in such situations does; and when a man never hears any words of appreciation or admiration, he feels as underappreciated and unvalued as a woman in these situations does.
Every marriage is made up of two unique people of opposite genders. That’s why, what works for one couple may not necessarily work for another couple, so generally accepted theories cannot be applied in this regard. Thus one should understand the needs and preferences of their spouse and try to fulfil it. Both the husband and the wife need love, respect, physical and emotional satisfaction, just in different degrees and ways of expression. The couple should also pray to Allah the Exalted to help you to make your spouse happy, and then actively think of and create easy ways to do what is important to your spouse.
BE THE COMFORT OF EACH OTHER’S EYES
Allah says in the Qur’ān, “And those who say, ‘Our Lord, grant us from among our wives and offspring comfort to our eyes and make us an example for the righteous’.” (Qur’ān 25:74).
First, in order to become the comfort of each other’s eyes, one must always smile. Smile when you open the door to your tired husband, smile when you get to see your wife after a long day at work and let your smile be the last thing your spouse sees before they close their eyes to sleep. Smile because there’s no reason not to.
Secondly, look good for your spouse. The noble companion Ibn Abbas is reported to have said, “I like to take care of my appearance for my wife just as I like for her to take care of her appearance for me. This is because Allah the Exalted says, “And they (women) have rights similar (to those of their husbands) over them to what is reasonable.” (Tafsir Ibn Kathir) You are the only man/woman your spouse is allowed to look at from head to toe, so one should not be an eye sore. One can have a good appearance by having a good physique, healthy glow, wearing good clothes, applying perfume, etc. Looking good for your spouse is as important as everything else you do every day like eating or sleeping and it also does not consume much of your time.
Thirdly, the spouse should be their source of comfort and support. When the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be to him) received the revelation for the first time, he began trembling with fear and ran to his wife Khadijah, seeking comfort and reassurance, saying, “O Khadijah, what is wrong with me? I was afraid that something bad might happen to me.” Then he told her the story. Khadijah said, “Nay, but receive the good tidings. By Allah, Allah will never disgrace you, for by Allah, you keep good relations with your kith and kin, speak the truth, help the poor and the destitute, entertain your guests generously and assist those who are stricken with calamities.” (Bukhari) Thus, the couple should become a comfort to each other in such a manner that in depressed and in tough times they should approach one another.
MAKE EACH OTHER BLOOM
Your spouse has a lot more roles to play in life than just being your spouse; and whenever you restrict them from doing justice to all their roles, you’re going to be the cause of their constant frustration, which will only spill into your own marital relationship. Allah the Exalted has created each of us to contribute in so many ways during our life on this earth and has blessed us with the potential to be all that He wants us to be. We should be a person who will motivate, encourage and help their spouse discover and use their God-given potential and traits to bloom and be a source of joy and mercy to the world. One should not compel his spouse to bottle up her talents when you know her skills can be used in doing something productive and beneficial for the society. One should not make his spouse decline into a dull, lifeless, thorny, fatal weed, because that is not what Allah the Exalted created her to be.
Couples should also become partners in growth and productivity. They should acknowledge that their spouse is a slave of Allah the Exalted alone and marriage does not change that. They should acknowledge their spouse’s other roles and responsibilities and encourage them to do justice to all of them. They should recognise each other’s unique traits and talents and catalyse their spouses’ growth and worth as individuals.
(to be concluded)