We are not married just to slog all day to get money home, or to produce kids and take care of them 24/7. The couple become so busy with their worldly affairs that they fail to give time to their spouses. But actually a relationship needs exclusive attention every single day. We should always remember that one day we will have to leave our boss, leave our job, leave our company and then our children will leave us one day and we will have to stay back with our spouse till we die, then what is the use if we don’t give time for them.
FIGHT REAL ENEMIES
A couple generally has three enemies: Ego, Evil Eye and Satan.
Ego: Ego is the biggest enemy of all because it makes one feel that you are always right and the spouse is wrong. It is the biggest threat to a marriage because it is an enemy from within. It is like a deceptive double agent that distorts reality and makes us deny and justify the wrongs that our lower selves commit towards our spouses, convincing us that we are right. Allah says in the Qur’ān, “… Verily, the (human) self is inclined to evil, except when my Lord bestows His Mercy (upon whom He wills). Verily, my Lord is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.” (Qur’ān 12:53) This doesn’t mean we are all inherently bad, but that we all have lower selves that are inclined to be oppressive, unruly and unjust; and it is only Allah’s mercy that can make us rise above our destructive, narcissistic lower selves.
Evil Eye: The Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings of Allah be to him) said, “The evil eye is real.” (Ibn Majah) Few have an evil eye because you got married, few have an evil eye because you are very happy, few have an evil eye because you have good children. Thus, one needs to avoid sharing their marital happiness in public unless really necessary.
Satan: Satan doesn’t have any principles when he seeks to create marital discord, in fact, the rule is that he attacks from where you least expect it. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be to him) said, “Satan places his throne upon water; he then sends detachments (for creating dissension); the nearer to him in rank are those who are most notorious in creating dissension. One of them comes and says, I did so and so. And he says, ‘you have done nothing’. Then one among them comes and says, I did not spare so and so until I sowed the seed of discord between a husband and a wife. Satan goes near him and says, “You have done well and then embraces him.” (Muslim) Thus, couples are the best target for the Satan.
SENSE EACH OTHER’S STRESS
Being busy in various activities leads people into stress. This is when the spouse is just not being their normal self or getting disturbed or angry by every little thing, this is when you do something special and they didn’t even seem to notice. This is the time when one needs to empathise with them. If you look a little deeper, you’ll find the reason why they are stressed and then we can give them comfort and help them overcome the stress.
BE CONSCIOUS OF ALLAH IN CONFLICT
There isn’t a single marriage where there isn’t any conflict or disagreement of some sort or degree. It is only the way in which conflicts are managed that distinguishes the health of one marriage from another. Of all the ways to manage and minimise marital conflict, the most powerful way is remembering that Allah is watching our every single move and expression, and hearing our every single word and we will be accountable one day. Allah says in the Qur’ān, “And tell My servants to say that which is best. Indeed, Satan induces (dissension) among them. Indeed Satan is ever, to mankind, a clear enemy.” (Qur’ān 17:53) Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings of Allah be to him) has said, “I guarantee a house in Jannah for one who gives up arguing, even if he is in the right….” (Abu Dawood) Thus, from the above ayat and hadith we learn to say what is best and to stop arguing.
NEVER COMPARE WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE MORE
The grass is always greener on the other side. Man is full of greed and his greed will never come to an end till he reaches death. Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings of Allah be to him) said, “When one of you looks at one who stands at a higher level than you in regard to wealth and physical structure, he should also see one who stands at a lower level than you in regard to these things.” (Muslim) Comparing ourselves to people whom Allah has given better looks, more money, nicer possessions, better education, higher status, etc., is a common cause for our showing ingratitude to Allah. We then automatically discard the blessings that Allah has bestowed on us and can think of only that which we are lacking and someone else has. There will always be something more that we could have.
However, Allah the Exalted is the Originator of all good. Nothing comes from Him that is not good. Therefore, we should not have the attitude, that when we see ourselves having the blessings of this world we should always thank Allah rather than feeling disappointed that you don’t have this and that. Thus, whenever we get to see people who have more or better than what we have, we should immediately look at those people too who have less or worse than what we have. Only then will we be able to remain thankful to Allah.
The bigger issue is most of the time the husband indulges into wrong activities in order to fulfil the needs of the family as they demand for more and more, which ultimately lands them in big trouble in the long run.
Marital happiness is not an end but a state; a state that can easily be achieved by just seeing marriage for what it really is a means of attaining physical, social, emotional and spiritual tranquillity, through the loving and merciful companionship of a spouse. A happy couple will lead to a happy family and a happy family will lead to a better and prosperous society.
(completed)