SYED KAZIM turns the pages of the Qur’ān and Hadīth to tell us how to enjoy marital happiness.
Marriage is a lot more than having someone to call a husband or wife. Marital relationship is an incredible blessing and a divine sign, as Allah the Exalted says in the Qur’ān, “And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquillity in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.” (Qur’ān 30:21)
The whole purpose of having a spouse is to find tranquillity in and with them; and our relationships with our spouses have signs that Allah is asking us to give thought to. The million dollar question is how to find this tranquillity. What do the couples have to do to display deep love and contentment during their relationship? The following are some habits which should be adopted by couples to find tranquillity and happiness in their marriage:
LOVING EACH OTHER FOR ALLAH’S SAKE
The couple should make love and obedience of Allah the Exalted as the basis and focus of one’s relationship. It means you love someone so much that you want your love for them to last beyond this lifetime and into the Hereafter, where you can live in eternal happiness with them having earned Allah’s pleasure together. It means you love someone purely because of how much they remind you of Allah the Exalted and help you get closer to Him.
A couple who loves you for Allah’s sake will stop one another from suspicion, ill-will, backbiting, etc. They will help one another to be kind and gentle, to fulfil people’s trust, to be more honest, to forgive someone, to become more generous and less extravagant, to recognise and overcome the weaknesses, etc. They will engage in winning Allah’s pleasure together whenever and in whatever way they can. They glorify Allah the Exalted together in the serene hours of Fajr, they thank Allah and ask for forgiveness in Tahajjud together, they make a point to read the Qur’ān every day, they indulge in acts of kindness and charity, they maintain loving and happy ties with each other’s families. Thus, a good couple should consistently help each other to get closer to Allah the Exalted. They should stop each other from anything that may lower them in the sight of Allah the Exalted and constantly help each other win Allah’s pleasure.
BE GRATEFUL TO EACH OTHER
If there is one fundamental need that exists in every single human relationship, it is the need to feel relevant and appreciated. And there is no other relationship where this need is as grossly overlooked and abused, as in marriage. It is because humans tend to take things for granted, especially when they’re done by those closest to them.
In order to be happy, couples should thank each other. As Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings of Allah be to him) said, “He who does not thank the people is not thankful to Allah.” (Abu Dawood) There are many occasions and instances to thank. For example, the husband can thank his wife for making a home out of your house, for cooking good food, for washing your clothes, for breast-feeding your child, etc. The wife should thank her husband for buying her dresses, for buying her good food, for being there to take care of her needs, for coming back home, etc.
Allah the Exalted says in the Qur’ān, “… If you are grateful, I will surely increase you (in favour); but if you deny, indeed, My punishment is severe.” (Qur’ān 14:7) Our spouses are an immense favour and blessing of Allah the Exalted upon us, they are an irreplaceable source of spiritual, emotional, social, mental and physical comfort. The couples who are grateful every day for each other, Allah the Exalted increase the happiness they find in each other, just like Allah the Exalted promised. On the other hand, people who are not grateful will have days of depression, frustration, anger, spite, lack of blessing, illness and hardships. The ungrateful people need not wait for the Hereafter to bear the consequences as they will experience hell in the world itself. Thus, the couple should be grateful to each other by exchanging a smile, by saying thank you or JazakAllah, by doing small things, writing good things about each other and exchanging it, etc.
COMMUNICATING LIKE BEST FRIENDS
A couple should always talk like best friends as they are the closest to us. We need to speak like best friends in good times and in conflict. In good times, they should tell each other about their day, joke, laugh, share ideas, complement each other, respect their rights to hold different opinions and learn from each other’s opposing points of view. Couples that have learnt to communicate effectively do away with the majority of marital stress because they become so attuned to each other’s feelings that they can immediately sense the emotional state of their spouse through the slightest change in words or tone.
Once the Blessed Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be to him) said to Ayesha: “I know when you are pleased with me or angry with me.” I (Ayesha) said, “Whence do you know that?” He said, “When you are pleased with me, you say, ‘No, by the Lord of Muhammad,’ but when you are angry with me, then you say, ‘No, by the Lord of Abraham’.” Thereupon I (Ayesha) said, “Yes (you are right), but by Allah, O Allah’s Messenger, I leave nothing but your name.” (Bukhari)
NEVER LOSE FOCUS ON PRIMARY NEEDS
The primary reason for continuous marital stress and discord is almost always due to the neglect of a spouse’s primary needs. Men and women are equally human. Allah has created both genders with a sense of human dignity, with physical desires and with hearts that have feelings. When wives get bad-tempered and say mean things to their spouses, husbands do feel hurt and unloved; and when husbands are rude and hurl insults at their spouses, wives do feel humiliated and disrespected. When a woman’s physical desires are consistently dismissed or left half-fulfilled, she gets frustrated as a man in such situations does; and when a man never hears any words of appreciation or admiration, he feels underappreciated and unvalued as a woman in these situations does.
Every marriage is made up of two unique people of opposite genders. That’s why, what works for one couple may not necessarily work for another couple; so generally accepted theories cannot be applied in this regard. Thus one should understand the needs and preferences of their spouse and try to fulfil it. Both husband and wife will need love, respect, physical and emotional satisfaction, just in different degrees and ways of expression. The couple should also pray to Allah to help you to make your spouse happy, and then actively think of and create easy ways to do what is important to your spouse.
BE THE COMFORT OF EACH OTHER’S EYES
Allah says in the Qur’ān, “And those who say, ‘Our Lord, grant us from among our wives and offspring comfort to our eyes and make us an example for the righteous’.” (Qur’ān 25:74)
First, in order to become the comfort of each other’s eyes, one must always smile. Smile when you open the door to your tired husband, smile when you get to see your wife after a long day at work and let your smile be the last thing your spouse sees before they close their eyes to sleep. Smile because there’s no reason not to.
Secondly, look good for your spouse. The noble companion Ibn Abbas is reported to have said, “I like to take care of my appearance for my wife just as I like for her to take care of her appearance for me. This is because Allah says, “And they (women) have rights similar (to those of their husbands) over them to what is reasonable.” (Tafsir Ibn Kathir) You are the only man/woman your spouse is allowed to look at from head to toe, so one should not be an eyesore. One can have a good appearance by having a good physique, healthy glow, wearing good clothes, applying perfume, etc. Looking good for your spouse is as important as everything else you do every day like eating or sleeping and it also does not consume much of your time.
Thirdly, the spouse should be their source of comfort and support. When the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be to him) received the revelation for the first time, he began trembling with fear and ran to his wife Khadijah seeking comfort and reassurance, saying, “O Khadijah, what is wrong with me? I was afraid that something bad might happen to me.” Then he told her the story. Khadijah said, “Nay, but receive the good tidings. By Allah, Allah will never disgrace you, for by Allah you keep good relations with your kith and kin, speak the truth, help the poor and the destitute, entertain your guests generously and assist those who are stricken with calamities.” (Bukhari) Thus, the couple should become a comfort to each other in such a manner that in depressed and in tough times they should approach each other.
MAKE EACH OTHER BLOOM
Your spouse has a lot more roles to play in life than just being your spouse; and whenever you restrict them from doing justice to all their roles, you’re going to be the cause of their constant frustration, which will only spill into your own marital relationship. Allah has created each of us to contribute in so many ways during our life on this earth and has blessed us with the potential to be all that He wants us to be. We should be a person who will motivate, encourage and help their spouse discover and use their God-given potential and traits to bloom and be a source of joy and mercy to the world. One should not compel his spouse to bottle up their talents when you know their skills can be used in doing something productive and beneficial for the society. One should not make his spouse decline into a dull, lifeless, thorny, fatal weed, because that is not what Allah created them to be.
Couples should also become partners in growth and productivity. They should acknowledge that their spouse is a slave of Allah alone and marriage does not change that. They should acknowledge their spouse’s other roles and responsibilities and encourage them to do justice to all of them. They should recognise each other’s unique traits and talents and catalyse their spouse’s growth and worth as an individual.
MAKE TIME FOR EACH OTHER
We are not married just to slog all day to get money home, or to produce kids and take care of them 24/7. The couple become so busy with their worldly affairs that they fail to give time to their spouses. But actually a relationship needs exclusive attention every single day. We should always remember that one day we will have to leave our boss, leave our job, leave our company and then our children will leave us one day and we will have to stay back with our spouse till we die, then what is the use if we don’t give time for them.
FIGHT REAL ENEMIES
A couple generally has three enemies, Ego, Evil Eye and Satan.
- Ego: Ego is the biggest enemy of all because it makes one feel that you are always right and the spouse is wrong. Ego is the biggest threat to a marriage because it is an enemy from within. Ego is like a deceptive double agent that distorts reality and makes us deny and justify the wrongs that our lower selves commit towards our spouses, convincing us that we are right. Allah says in the Qur’ān, “… Verily, the (human) self is inclined to evil, except when my Lord bestows His Mercy (upon whom He wills). Verily, my Lord is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.” (Qur’ān 12:53) This doesn’t mean we are all inherently bad, but that we all have lower selves that are inclined to be oppressive, unruly and unjust; and it is only Allah’s mercy that can make us rise above our destructive, narcissistic lower selves.
- Evil Eye: The Prophet Muhammad said, “The evil eye is real.” (Ibn Majah) Few have an evil eye because you got married, few have an evil eye because you are very happy, few have an evil eye because you have good children. Thus, one needs to avoid sharing their marital happiness in public unless really necessary.
- Satan: Satan doesn’t have any principles when he seeks to create marital discord, in fact, the rule is that he attacks from where you least expect it. The Prophet said, “Satan places his throne upon water; he then sends detachments (for creating dissension); the nearer to him in rank are those who are most notorious in creating dissension. One of them comes and says, I did so and so. And he says, ‘you have done nothing’. Then one among them comes and says, I did not spare so and so until I sowed the seed of discord between a husband and a wife. Satan goes near him and says, ‘You have done well’ and then embraces him.” (Muslim) Thus, couples are the best target for the Satan.
SENSE EACH OTHER’S STRESS
Being busy in various activities leads people into stress. This is when the spouse is just not being their normal self or getting disturbed or angry by every little thing, this is when you do something special and they didn’t even seem to notice. This is the time when one needs to empathise with them. If you look a little deeper, you’ll find the reason why they are stressed and then we can give them comfort and help them overcome the stress.
BE CONSCIOUS OF ALLAH IN CONFLICT
There isn’t a single marriage where there isn’t any conflict or disagreement of some sort or degree. It is only the way in which conflicts are managed that distinguishes the health of one marriage from the other. Of all the ways to manage and minimise marital conflict, the most powerful way is remembering that Allah is watching our every single move and expression, and hearing our every single word and we will be accountable one day.
Allah says in the Qur’ān, “And tell My servants to say that which is best. Indeed, Satan induces (dissension) among them. Indeed Satan is ever, to mankind, a clear enemy.” (Qur’ān 17:53) Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings of Allah be to him) has said, where he has said, “I guarantee a house in Jannah for one who gives up arguing, even if he is in the right….” (Abu Dawood) Thus, from the above ayah and hadīth we learn to say what is best and to stop arguing.
NEVER COMPARE WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE MORE
The grass is always greener on the other side. Man is full of greed and his greed will never come to an end till he reaches death. Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings of Allah be to him) said, “When one of you looks at one who stands at a higher level than you in regard to wealth and physical structure, he should also see one who stands at a lower level than you in regard to these things.” (Muslim) Comparing ourselves with people whom Allah has given better looks, more money, nicer possessions, better education, higher status, etc., is a common cause for our showing ingratitude to Allah. We then automatically discard the blessings that Allah has bestowed on us and can think of only that which we are lacking and someone else has. There will always be something more that we could have.
However, Allah is the Originator of all good. Nothing comes from Him that is not good. Therefore, we should not have the attitude, that when we see ourselves having the blessings of this world we should always thank Allah rather than feeling disappointed that you don’t have this and that. Thus, whenever we get to see people who have more or better than what we have, we should immediately look at those people too who have less or worse than what we have. Only then will we be able to remain thankful to Allah. The bigger issue is most of the time the husband indulges into wrong activities in order to fulfil the needs of the family as they demand for more and more, which ultimately lands them in big trouble in the long run.
Marital happiness is not an end but a state; a state that can easily be achieved by just seeing marriage for what it really is a means of attaining physical, social, emotional and spiritual tranquillity, through the loving and merciful companionship of a spouse. A happy couple will lead to a happy family and a happy family will lead to a better and prosperous society.