Managing Your Kids

Family is the bedrock of civilization and children its most vital component. Effective parenting is the key to shaping the new generation and achieving family bliss. Our homes should be a special place to return to after a hard day’s work and a place where God is remembered much and we have peace of mind. Most of us take extra care of our children but not all of us get it right. Here are some useful, tried and tested parenting tips that are both easy and practical.

One of the common mistakes that we do is to make kids accountable to us and not to God. If we make them believe that all their deeds are recorded by angels and Allah is watching over them all the time, then they will become responsible not because they fear getting caught by us but because of being answerable to some higher authority. So taqwa first and foremost.

Pray: while praying in the mosque is best for men, whenever the occasion arises, it is advised for the whole family to pray together.

Eat: the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be with him) said “Eat together and not separately, for the blessing is associated with the company” (Ibn Majah). Hence family meals are mandatory which offer a good opportunity to discuss mutual problems.

Work: encourage kids to share household chores from an early age so that they understand the dignity of labour.

Picnic: take your children to places where they can see the glory of nature and where they can be shown the infinite Grace and Beauty of God’s creation and explained why we need to be so grateful to Him

You are first role-model and mentor for your kids. Keep all channels of communication open with your children. Your personality must be both friendly and firm. Children must not be afraid to discuss and put forward their problems and difficulties. Let communication be a 2-way process and respect the opinion of your kids although you may politely disagree with their demands and suggestions.

Consulting each other is one of the traits of Muslims, according to the Qur’an. Islam lays great emphasis on seeking consultation in public affairs. Family meetings are a useful tool to enhance understanding and mutual cooperation. Allah says in the Holy Qur’an (3:159): “It is part of the Mercy of Allah that thou dost deal gently with them. Wert thou severe or harsh-hearted they would have broken away from about thee; so pass over (their faults) and ask for (Allah’s) forgiveness for them; and consult them in affairs (of moment). Then when thou hast taken a decision put thy trust in Allah. For Allah loves those who put their trust (in Him).” Family meetings should be held at regular intervals and need not have a fixed formal agenda. Anything can be discussed like goal setting, behaviour issues, planning, etc. A topic / issue must be announced by the moderator (Mom or Dad) and everyone must speak about it for a few minutes without being interrupted. Then some kind of conclusion / consensus will have to be reached which has to be accepted.

“Allah is kind and loves kindness in all affairs” (Bukhari, Muslim). Allah’s Messenger (peace and blessings of Allah be with him) said, “The best of you is he who is best to his family, and I am the best among you to my family” (Tirmidhi). In your day to day dealings with your children one should speak in kind and gentle tone, avoid excessive anger and refrain from calling each other by offensive names.

Many of us who know only one way of disciplining the child i.e. hitting the child, should realise that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be with him) did not raise his hand against any human being except in warfare. Alternate methods of punishment exist which are far more effective. Some of them include:

a) Asking the kids to find a solution / resolution to their problem

b) Asking the child to observe silence for sometime

c) Withdrawing some of the privileges like toys, games, playtime, etc.

d) Making them write things like “we must be obedient” 100 times, etc.

e) Educating the child on the grave consequences of the misdemeanour committed and then making him /her read passages of the Qur’an or Hadith that deals with that issue, example lying, stealing etc

Parents must make a conscientious effort to know their child inside out. Know his / her physical and behavioural strengths and weaknesses. Find their likes and dislikes, inclinations and aspirations. Know their friends and favourite things they love. Keep mentoring and monitoring them in academics and reward them for their achievements. Track their Islamic studies like how much Qur’an they are committing to memory (hifz), how many duas do they remember, etc. You can manage children well if you know them well.

A child’s mind can be moulded very easily whether for good or evil. He is very receptive to new ideas and once they are firmly ingrained, it is difficult to change them. Parents therefore have a very important responsibility in regulating to the maximum extent possible the content that the child is exposed to through TV and the Internet. Music should be absolutely prohibited. Cartoons must be monitored as they too have deteriorated to an unacceptable degree. Soap operas have too much adult content and must not be shown. As far as Internet is concerned it is better to install firewall software that restricts access to only good sites. Alternatively, place the internet computer in a central location like the hall or living room rather than the children’s bedroom where they have complete privacy. But most important is to inculcate in them the correct values like taqwa through which they will never commit anything wrong as the awareness of God watching over them always is firmly entrenched in their hearts. The electronic media is a double edged sword and parents must utilise it correctly. For example, there are many Islamic websites that teach the Qur’anic Tajweed and explain the Hadith and Seerat of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be with him). Also there are informative channels like National Geographic, Discovery Channel, Animal Kingdom which can be shown to children.

We must try to maintain a collection of good books both Islamic and academic in our homes in the form of a library. Not only will this develop a taste for reading in the kids, but will also broaden their vision and grasp of issues that are to be tackled in everyday life. A monthly visit to the Islamic Bookstore in your city or membership of a good Library thus becomes obligatory.

A vision can be described as lifetime goals that you cherish to achieve. When you have a vision for yourself and family, it gives a focus for channelling your time energy and money. You need to set short, medium and long term goals for your family. Islam has given utmost importance to preserving the family system and the foundations of any society can be strengthened only if the children in the family are nurtured and brought up with Islamic values and ideals. The character and morals of our children are their real strengths. May Allah accept our dua as is in the Qur’an (25:74) “And those who pray “Our Lord! Grant unto us wives and offspring who will be the comfort of our eyes and give us (the grace) to lead the righteous.” Amin !