Marriage is an act of worship which is done in public and when it is done in public, hundreds of people are trying to watch what you do and how you do it. Thus, every boy is very careful when he is getting married and when he is living with religious people around him then he becomes much more conscious about his marriage.
As we are living in a country where a majority of people are Hindus, the Muslims over the years have also, consciously or subconsciously, adopted the culture which is followed by the Hindus in mostly all aspects, especially marriage. In Hinduism when their daughter is getting married, the parents try to give whatever possible to the girl at the time of marriage because she has no share in the property. But in Islam that is not the case because the girl also has a share in the property of the parents. But as I said earlier that Muslims also started demanding to give a bed, dressing table, sofa set, crockery, (2 wheeler or 4 wheeler if they are rich), etc., then slowly it went on to become a culture and tradition which the Muslims have adopted. Islam does not endorse all this.
But in the recent past we have witnessed some significant changes in the way marriages are taking place in Muslim communities, especially these types of marriages happen among boys who are associated with some sort of Islamic organisation. Whenever change happens in society, it does not happen all of a sudden but happens slowly and takes its own due course. The first stage was the stage where people used to demand to give so and so things; the second stage was the stage where they did not demand anything but ask the girl’s parents to give whatever they wanted to give (and did expect something from them but they did not want to tell it openly); the third stage is the stage where they strongly ask the girl’s parents not to give any sort of material or any sort of household equipment.
We should be very happy that many of the youngsters today have changed and are trying to follow Islam. We should never discourage such boys but rather we need to congratulate them that at least they have taken the first step when many of them have not taken. Hope they are doing it with an intention to avoid any sort of burden on the girl’s family and to please Allah but and not to show that they are so rich that they do not need anything from the girl’s side.
But the bigger problem is that few people think that not taking anything from a girl’s side proves that they are the very religious and pious people on earth. We try to implement what the easiest and the leave what they feel is difficult. Thus, Allah says in the Qur’ān, “O you who have believed, enter into Islam completely (and perfectly) and do not follow the footsteps of Satan. Indeed, he is to you a clear enemy.” (2:208)
The article focuses on how people claim to be religious but in reality they are not. They act on what is easy and leave the rest and Allah alone knows best. The following are some of the acts which are a result of our hypocritical attitude:
I. SEARCHING FOR THE GIRL
In order to search for a girl for marriage, Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings of Allah be to him) has clearly said that one should select the girl based on her piety and they are the ones who are successful. But when we start searching for the girl, we keep a lot of conditions about her age, height, qualification, geographical area, beauty, financial status, etc., and then the religiosity of the girl also becomes a small aspect in the end but does not come as a priority as Prophet Muhammad enjoined us to do. They also go on rejecting the girls for various silly reasons such as the road/street was very narrow, they were not made to sit on the sofa, the snacks were served in steel plate, they don’t own a house and what not, etc. Are they religious or are they hypocrites?
II. VISITING AND REJECTING
Today the scenario has shaped in this manner that in the Indian society when they are looking for an alliance, the boy’s family has an upper hand when compared with the girl’s family. Thus, they capitalise on this opportunity and also exploit it to its fullest on many occasions. In order to see the girl, they visit her house, see the girl, speak to her, have snacks and later reject the girl for silly reasons. They fail to realise all the things that a girl would go through when someone rejects her; sometimes a girl also goes into depression when she is rejected many times. They fail to realise the damage they cause as they also have daughters and sisters who can face a similar situation. Are they religious or are they hypocrites?
III. SHOW-OFF
Islam strongly prohibits a Muslim to indulge in any kind of showing-off. But as people do not get an alliance for a long time, they lose their patience and try to shift towards the show-off mood to influence the opposite party. Generally, showing-off happens at three levels, at the spiritual level, presentation level and financial level. Let us try to understand this at different levels:
a. Spiritual Level: Some people do not perform Salah regularly and some people do not perform Salah at all, but when people have come to see the boy/girl and it is time for Salah, they try to show their religiosity by going for Salah and taking the visitors along with them. We are not steadfast on our fundamentals, then how can we do justice to other aspects?
b. Presentation Level: People would want to show that they are very educated and very qualified. In order to display this they start speaking in English, try to do overacting and also try to be humorous, just to impress the visitors. During the course of time, we indulge ourselves in boasting about ourselves.
c. Financial Level: One of the main reasons for selecting or rejecting an alliance is money. Thus people try their best to adopt all possible means to show that they are financially sound. They try to offer as many food items to financially impress the visitors. Recently, a middle class (boy’s) family served around 20 different food items when the girl’s family had come to visit them. They had fruit, dry-fruit, ice cream, sweets, mixtures, cold drink, pastry, tea and what not. Are they religious or are they hypocrites?
IV. BEHAVIOUR
One should always ensure that he/she does not make wrong use of the tongue, as a person’s success and failure in the hereafter is based on how he has used his tongue. But during the course of finalising various aspects of marriage, the boy’s side tend to pass comments to show their superiority or to show the inferiority of the opposite party. They also never miss an opportunity to criticise their gifts and other aspects of the girl’s family and ultimately indulge in backbiting. Are they religious or are they hypocrites?
V. EXTRAVAGANCE
Islam strongly condemns spending of money extravagantly. In order to show our financial capability and keep our image in the society, we spend a lot of money, especially on food. People are served with bottled mineral water which goes waste as many people are not able to finish the water completely. A lot of food is cooked, many sweets are served and a lot remains uneaten and ultimately it is distributed among the rich who had come for the wedding. Not many poor people are invited for the wedding and the rich continue to indulge themselves in extravagance.
VI. VALIMA RECEPTION
In Islam Valima has to be arranged by the bridegroom in order to show his domestic happiness post Nikah. But in order to save money and get a religious tag, they crack a deal with the bride’s family by asking them to bear 50% of the expenditure which happens in the Valima and avoid the reception after Nikah. At the end that bridegroom’s family lands up boasting that they did not demand the bride’s family to host a reception after the Nikah ceremony. But they forget about their cheap behaviour about asking money from the bride’s family to host the Valima reception. Are they religious or are they hypocrites?
VII. FREE INTERMINGLING OF SEXES
Islam discourages free intermingling of sexes. During the entire marriage we have created an environment for free intermingling of opposite sexes, where people are laughing and giggling with them, cracking jokes, shaking hand with non-mahram (unmarriageable kin) women, taking each other photographs, hiring a photographer (who is again a non-mahram) who has clicked more than 1000 photographs of men and women (especially of the bride) and what not. We start socialising like we are brothers and sisters. Are they religious or are they hypocrites?
Marriage is not only about doing the Nikah after the Friday Salah or not taking anything from the girl; it is much more than this. Marriages like this are successful most of the time, like how other marriages of the Muslims and non-Muslims are successful, but the larger question is, will Allah be pleased with our entire marriage process? Did Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings of Allah be to him) guide us to follow the same process for getting married? Was it done to please ourselves or to please the society? Will these marriages prove to be beneficial for the society? Do we really want to start a marriage with a lie?