In Islam marriage is not just a contract but an act of worship. Marriage is given a very high status in Islam. Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings of Allah be to him) once said, “When a man marries he has fulfilled half of the deen; so let him fear Allah regarding the remaining half” (Tirmidhi). By this we can understand the significant status what Islam has given to the act of marriage. When we talk about marriage, the issues and problems have reached its peak because of various reasons. Many people think that all marriage related problems begin only after marriage that’s why the girl is asked to adjust to every situation, but when we deeply analyse the issues, the problem starts much before that because of our own mistakes. Let us now try to understand our mistake which puts us into such deep problems.
First, Salah is not only a form of worship or a tool to become God conscious but it also an instrument to create a platform for social engagement and interaction. Masjid is a place where men and women come to offer Salah in congregation and indulge in conversation with one another while leaving, which ultimately builds a social bond. Thus Islam makes it obligatory for every Muslim to offer Salah five times a day. The more you come to the Mosque, the more you meet people; the more you meet people, the more you get to know them better.
The women were stopped from come to the Masjids for various reasons, secondly, the men themselves have stopped or reduced the frequency of coming to the Mosque, thirdly, even when men come to the Mosque, they will try to leave the Mosque as soon as possible. All these factors have contributed to the decrease in our social engagement, thus we are not able to meet people and seek help for an alliance for their son or daughter. Actually, we have dug our own grave, with the type of culture which we have established. In every law and act of Islam, there is a lot of wisdom hidden in it, which most of us fail to realise and understand. To give a passing reference, Shaikh Yusuf Al-Qaradwi, in his concluding speech after getting re-elected as the President of International Union of Muslim Scholars said, “Women must be allowed to attend mosques for prayers”.
Secondly, Islam also encourages people to live in groups as it has a lot of advantages. Once Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) said, “The hand of Allah is with the Jamaah. Then, whoever singles himself out (from the Jamaah), will be singled out for the Hell-fire” (Tirmidhi). In another saying, Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) said, “Faithful believers are to each other as the bricks of a wall, supporting and reinforcing each other. So saying, the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) clasped his hands by interlocking his fingers” (Bukhari). But the sad state of the Ummah is that, the people do not live in groups nor are part of any Islamic organisation, thus they live an individual life with no one to guide them, no one to instruct them and no one to lead them. And when the parents of the girl/boy are retired then the social engagement is even lesser. When we deeply and closely understand this issue, the lack of social engagement among the Muslims has caused various problems which come with serious repercussions. Thus this second opportunity of social engagement is also lost. The knowledge and wisdom of man is very narrow, thus one needs to strive and struggle to implement all aspects of Islam as we do not know how a particular act would benefit us.
Thirdly, the problem is due to the delay in marriage. Today marriage is delayed due to many reasons. Parents first want their daughters to get married before their sons get married, they want their son to earn a decent amount of salary as the girl’s parents would ask for it, the boy would want to save enough money in order to throw a lavish Valima, parents fail to understand the psychological and physical problems which their children are facing because of not getting married, etc. We should know that we are living in a hyper sexual world and it is wise to get our children’s married as soon as possible. If we don’t get them married fast, then they can find 100s of means to fulfil those desires. This delay in marriage gets them addicted to pornography, masturbation, love affairs and what not. Why not take action even before the problem arises?
Fourthly, it becomes very difficult for the parents to find an alliance for their son or daughter as the social reach of the parents is very low, so they start relying on brokers. Once the broker starts showing alliances, majority of the proposals are rejected by one of the parties as both the parties have a huge list of demands. The list becomes even bigger as the boy and girl have their list and the parents have theirs. For example, the girl wants the boy to be handsome and the father/mother wants the boy from a small family, the girl wants a software engineer from a big IT firm (because he draws a handsome salary) and the father/mother wants a family who own a house, the girl wants the boy to be clean shaved and the father/mother wants the boy to be well educated and what not, the girl wants the boy to be independent and the father/mother want a family of Syed’s, Khan’s, Pathan’s, etc. Actually the parents think that their children are perfect and thus they would want a life partner who is also perfect. All these criteria’s make it very difficult to search for to get an alliance that will satisfy all these criteria’s.
Later the parents and the boy or girl become very upset, depressed and dejected as they are not getting any good proposals, this creates sadness in the family which ultimately leads to stress. Parents have sleepless nights and also health issues, especially when their daughter is not getting married. They start desperately waiting for any family to just tell “YES” and then they will be all ready to fall into their feet and agree to all their demands, irrespective of whether they are permissible in the religion or not. On the other hand we should also understand that the primary objective of the broker is not to get two people married but his primary objective is to earn the commission as soon as possible. For the brokers it is nothing different than a business deal. The brokers start building all types of stories, creating hype, promises and commitments on behalf of both the families, just to crack the deal.
Fifthly, when we start searching for a girl, the parents do not search for a girl for their son but they are searching for a perfect daughter in-law who will fit into their home. They somehow consciously or sub-consciously tend to use their power of being the head of the family and make all decisions on behalf of their children and do not consider any suggestion or opinion from their children. They want a girl who will not take their son’s away from them (as their son is the only one who will take care of them when they are old), they want a girl who is not highly educated, they want a girl who will do all household work (who can informally play the role of a servant), they want a girl who is not very intelligent, they want a girl who will not speak much, etc. Ultimately all this criteria’s mess up and dilute the actual purpose of marriage.
Sixthly, the Nikah ceremonies today have just become a ritual, as people are not able to understand as to what is recited in the Nikah ceremony and why it is recited. One needs to understand the meaning of the four verses which are recited during the Nikah. If one would reflect on the four verses which are recited during the Nikah ceremony, he would realise that the emphasis has been laid on fulfilling one’s duty to Allah as well as to one’s fellow beings and they outline the main objectives of married life. Thus, understanding the meaning and wisdom behind the verses, would help the person know the purpose of marriage in Islam.
After a few months or sometimes a few days after the marriage, the girl realises that she is in the wrong place. Now, she begins to express her emotions through crying and lives her entire life backbiting about her in-laws and their relatives. That’s not all, now the entire life is filled with family tensions and problems; this is what keeps them occupied at all times and ultimately coming out of these issues becomes their purpose of life. When a person keeps religiousness or piety as his criteria of getting married, things become much easier before and after marriage. And when we keep other aspects as our criteria, then our greed just keeps on increasing.
That’s not all, as days pass by, the problems just keep on increasing. As the girl encounters new problems every day, she goes more into depression, day by day. Now, in order to reduce her depression, she shares it with her parents (with some exaggeration). The daughter later goes on to blame her parents for getting her married at the wrong place. Then the parents are more worried than their daughter and ultimately become mental slaves to their son-in-law and all their in-laws. Now, in order to keep them happy, they organise regular parties, offer them expensive gifts and indulge in every possible act to keep them happy and keeping them happy becomes the ultimate goal of the parents. Later the in-laws get used to the royal treatment they get every time and expect the same all the time. And when their expectations are not met it leads to massive disappointments and then the vicious cycle continues there on.
Seventhly, we have become very materialistic in our approach of getting married, that piety (Taqwa) is no more a criteria for getting married, just a Muslim name will do. Now, skin colour of the girl, the salary of the boy, beauty of the girl, family size of the boy, is more important than anything. To give you a practical example, recently, a boy from India got married to a girl from America just because she was a green card holder (American Citizen), and after marrying her, he would also become a green card holder soon, which would in-turn help him get a job in America without much trouble.
If one needs to lead a happy married life, one needs to base all his decisions on the Qur’ān and the Sunnah. This would not only help in gaining the pleasure of Allah but will also keep the couple very happy, it will make their marriage successful and will ultimately lead them to success in the hereafter. Marriage is the first step of a new life; if this is taken in the wrong direction then the future journey will also be on the wrong path. If one needs to get married according to the Qur’ān and Sunnah, he should have a strong intention and should be ready to face any kind of emotional blackmail or criticism from family, friends and the society.