Positive parenting and trying to learn and practise it does not mean perfect parenting. It is more about constantly reflecting, learning new techniques, trial and error and readjusting. It’s about helping children grow on a strong foundation in multiple spheres. It’s not about being perfect. It’s about increasing positive moments, knowing that negative moments are inevitable and provide moments of deep reflection.
Running after perfection will only leave us feeling exhausted, like we have a one-way relationship with our kids, and we may even feel like horrible parents – when in all likelihood, we’re not. Furthermore, it will not teach our children how to deal with unpleasant moments, or the fact that their actions have consequences.
So let’s continue to learn about different ways we can create a positive, wholesome, prophetic environment for our kids – knowing full well that our children are being raised by humans – not angels. Perfection is for our Creator alone. I am merely a human on a journey to deeply love my Creator and His beloved Prophet ﷺ – stumbling along the way, and desiring to pass this joy onto my children.
I am not a scholar – rather I will be sharing my reflections based on my readings and observations.
How does it feel to talk to someone who is easy-going, cheerful, and friendly? It feels great! It feels like you can spend a lot of time with this person, and open up.
Now, how does it feel to talk to someone who is tense, unwelcoming, and just unpleasant? It feels inaccessible. It feels like someone you don’t want to talk to or be around.
Fortunately, our beloved Prophet ﷺ was easy-going, friendly, and had a cheerful countenance. This made him approachable and easy to talk to – which is exactly what we want for our children. We want our children to approach us with their joys and sadness. This can happen when we enjoy our children, and manage parental burnout.
Enjoying our children involves appreciating their age and all that comes with it. “My child just dropped water everywhere – no big deal – here’s a towel, ‘go clean it up’”. “My baby took a crayon and wrote all over my freshly painted wall – pretty frustrating – but it’s okay, I’ll make sure I am around next time when he’s using it”. A simple attitude change can make a world of difference in laying the foundations of positive communication.
Parental burnout happens when we have unrealistic expectations and fill ourselves with cultural messages. We add stress by telling ourselves, “I should have done this, and my child should have done that.” Or we feel like our parenting style has to model every technique we have learnt, so our child needs to eat this amount of this food to be healthy, or they need to do “x” and “y” in order to achieve “z” milestone – otherwise there’s something wrong with me or them.
By appreciating our children and managing parental burnout, we can model the Prophet ﷺ in being cheerful, easy-going, and approachable. And when our children see that our following the Prophet ﷺ is bringing good into their lives, they will cultivate a love and trust for him ﷺ, and will then want to know more about him.
We’re always getting messages from social media, family, and friends that can, at times, leave us feeling as though our kids need to be a certain way to be adequate, and if they’re not, then something in their future is at stake.
This feeling can cause us to become reactionary, and operate in a fear-based mindset. And when our heart and mind go into this realm, it can manifest itself in a way where we are being harsh with our children, or finding faults with them, because we need them to be a certain way in order to feel comfortable about them and their future.
The Prophet ﷺ was the exact opposite of this – he was described as NOT being harsh or one who was prone to fault-finding. So how do we model this when we’re overwhelmed? … Try to stay calm and ask questions to understand. In fact, Ali ibn Abi Talib – a close companion of the Prophet ﷺ said, “Ask in order to understand, and do not ask in order to find fault.”
When my child was not speaking by the age of two, I became fearful. “Am I doing something wrong? Or, did I not teach him properly? Or, did I not spend enough time with him? Or, is there something wrong with him? Or, will he ever speak?” I tried to calm my inner voice, and acknowledge that every child is different and every child learns and develops at different pace, and then gently try to observe what could be underlying issues and what I could do to help him. It gave me the opportunity to think through positively, and even though it may still take some time before he starts speaking it at least allowed me to calmly think through the situation and saved me from all anxiety I was experiencing before. And after all, it’s not that serious. More so ever, the best thing that happened was that this change in attitude translated into happy home.
Have you ever noticed that most of our angst, especially as parents, falls under fear or grief? Fear of the unknown, fear of the future, and grief over how we handled something in the past.
When we are freaking out about something that happened to our child in the past or what will become of them in the future, we should look towards our predecessors for guidance.
Take, for example, the incidence of what Hajar experienced when she was alone in the desert. She felt fear for the future, that she may not be able to provide for her child – or that she may lose her child. But how did she respond? With hope and faith in Allah. She ran between the mountains of Safa and Marwah because she had hope in her Creator that He would provide. And because of her faith, she was rewarded in the most magnificent of ways – with the well of Zamzam.
On the other hand, Prophet Ibrahim was tested with grief over the past. A decree had been sent by Allah to sacrifice Ismail, and he felt sadness over what happened. But how did he respond? With acceptance. On his way to making the sacrifice, he was confronted by Shaytan, but he kept his determination. And how was he rewarded? With something better than what he could have imagined – a sacrificial animal in place of his child. And it is this acceptance and determination in the face of grief over the past, that we are remembering as we perform Rami (throwing stones at pillars) and Qurbani.
As we remember how our predecessors combatted fear of the future with hope in Allah, grief over the past with acceptance, and difficulty with determination – we are simultaneously being reminded to be in the moment with Allah through our day.
And when we are in the moment with Allah, we’re also in the moment with our children. This leads to mindful parenting. When our hearts are still, even if we need a moment, we can more lovingly communicate that to our children.
With all that happened last year and all the changes the world went through and the changes we went through as a family. First, we need to remember that the Prophet ﷺ did not raise his children under one condition. His circumstances – and his children’s – changed many times throughout his life. The mother of his children was alive and then she wasn’t, his family lived in Makkah and then in Madinah, they lived through peaceful times and then not peaceful times.
Each time a change happened, the Prophet ﷺ embraced it with acceptance and trust, and then moved forward with wisdom. So even though this year feels so uncertain, and like there’s so much we feel like we can’t give our children, we will intentionally change our mindset to – we can do this, our children can do this, and we can thrive!
We’re ALL in this together and we CAN do this, in sha Allah.
[The writer is Organiser Women, JIH Shastri Nagar, Jaipur]