How to balance between controlling, disciplining and not suffocating children
The basic responsibility for the person heading a family is to sustain it financially and make provisions for food, clothing, shelter and other basic needs like health, education, safety and security. The Prophet ﷺ said: “It is sufficient sin for a man if he neglects those on whom he is obliged to spend.” (Abu Dawood)
However, those who lead the family also have another important role. They also provide spiritual nourishment, overall personality development and life skills to their children. It is as if they are tasked with the responsibility of their overall well-being.
An oft-quoted Hadith (saying of the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ) defines the role of the head of the family among other things thus – “Every one of you is a shepherd and is responsible for his flock. The leader of people is a guardian and is responsible for his subjects. A man is the guardian of his family and he is responsible for them. A woman is the guardian of her husband’s home and his children and she is responsible for them. The servant of a man is a guardian of the property of his master and he is responsible for it. No doubt, every one of you is a shepherd and is responsible for his flock.”
Just as a shepherd is responsible for the safety, security, food, nourishment, overall direction in the various treks for the sustenance of his flock, in the same way, the father is the guardian of the family not merely for their physiological needs like food, clothing and shelter but also their spiritual growth and development. On the other hand, this Hadith also conveys a subtle message to the children that they should submit themselves under the care of the father and trust him and obey him in letter and spirit lest they be devoured by the various allurements and distractions that the world and their nafs offers.
FEW PREREQUISITES
A study in the United States conducted by the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development (NICHD) – Early Child Care Research Network that appeared in the Journal of Family Psychology, found that fathers with more positive personality attributes were also more likely to spend more time caring for their children than were fathers who had fewer positive personality attributes. Such positive attributes included higher self-esteem, lower levels of depression and hostility, and better psychological adjustment. So the first qualification for heading the family is related to the mental happiness of whoever heads the family.
The father should develop himself, become an optimist, capable of seeing the brighter side of life, and believe that there is light at the end of the tunnel. It is not sufficient for the head of the family to merely hold the basic traits of a good manager and an inspiring leader. He can become a role model for his children and guide them through the various vicissitudes of life only when he lives up to the high moral standards and values that he propagates.
There is no substitute for ‘walking the talk’. The obedience to the head of a family should not be commanded by force nor should it be demanded by ‘emotional blackmail’. Rather the control and discipline should be an outcome of knowledge about the ‘right thing’ and the correct motivation and moral dimension behind the need to adhere to the basic dos and donts of life.
AIMING FOR BALANCE
It is highly desirable that children should not feel suffocated and fed up when they are disciplined and controlled. It is critical and the head of the family exhibits honesty and integrity. It is crucial to get children to believe and trust you and become willing travellers on the journey you wish to take them on. In addition, the head of the family must have a clear vision about where they are placed, where he wants them to reach and he must sincerely enrol the children in charting a path for their future. One also needs to inspire the family-members by making sure they understand their role in the bigger picture. He should have the ability to re-chart things and not be afraid to challenge the status quo. He should strive to do things differently and have the courage to think creatively and outside the box.
Communication skills are a key part of this approach and one must share any roadblocks one may encounter along the way. Then one has to try to establish work rules, processes, standards that relate to both the secular and spiritual aspects of life and ensure that there is strict adherence to those established norms. One must always be aware of the needs of children, keep the channels of communication open with them and involve them in the process of decision-making as well as implementation.
PRACTICAL TIPS
Here are some time-tested steps that can be implemented to ensure that children become willing partners in the “Project – Strong Family – Strong Society”.
(1) Family meetings and huddles: Although the head of the family is communicating with children continuously, there still exists a need to sit down formally, explain and discuss family-related issues. Every child must participate and yet no single person should dominate. This creates an intellectual and democratic climate in the country and a sense of solidarity and participation in the family members and they feel that they are implementing their own decisions and not those thrust upon them without their consent.
(2) The Book of God – the Qur’ān and the sayings and doings of the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ in the various books of Hadith should become the primary source of knowledge and enlightenment for the family. It is therefore highly recommended to have at least a weekly gathering (ijtima) of the family in which the children should be given assignments to read, give sermons/dars or deliver speeches/presentations on different religious topics.
(3) Although one must pray Salat in congregation, one must try to make the congregational prayers at home too on special occasions and encourage children to lead the prayer.
(4) One-to-one meeting with your children will go a long way in resolving their problems and help them open up about issues close to their heart or some difficulties that are causing anguish.
(5) It is extremely important to have physical affection and regular pats, hugs and other gestures exhibiting your love and care that act as motivational vaccines against angst and depression. The Mother of Believers -A’isha (Allah be pleased with her) reported that there came a few desert Arabs to Allah’s Messenger ﷺ and said: Do you kiss your children? He ﷺ said: Yes. Thereupon they said: By Allah but we do not kiss our children. Thereupon Allah’s Messenger ﷺ said: Then what can I do if Allah has deprived you of mercy? (Muslim). Children are our future. Let us nurture and nourish them so that we attain success and falah, both in this life and the hereafter.