In contemporary times there has been renewed interest in the issues of family system and the relationship between spouses and their implications for society at large. There are very strong and varied perspectives on these topics. These are topics that our society has been trying to understand and conceptualise since the beginning of time. Everyone agrees that family is the bedrock of civilization and without healthy, close-knit and united families, an ideal society is not possible. Despite such awareness, very little attention is given to this topic as it does not seem to be a priority agenda for social justice movements, generally speaking.
Why this is an important topic?
All around us we see the harmful repercussions of the weakening of the family system and marriage relations. That the percentage of divorce rates and abandoned wives is increasing is a well-known fact. However, there are many more social phenomena of late, which are the consequences of neglect of familial responsibilities. For instance, according to data, the leading cause of suicides in India is family problems.
Similarly, it is observed that cases of juvenile delinquency, rise of depression and anxiety in youth, tendencies among youth towards social evils like drugs, alcohol, etc. – all have one common root cause (among other important factors) which is familial/parental neglect and/or distressed home environment due to conflicts between parents. Given these grim realities, it becomes highly imperative to examine the question of family system, specifically the nature of spousal relations and their rights, duties and responsibilities vis-à-vis the family.
The Islamic perspective
“They (your wives) are your garment and you are a garment for them.” (The Qur’ān – 2:187) This ayah of the Qur’ān reveals the Islamic concept of marriage. The fact that man and woman are considered garments to each other suggests that both have an equal status in sharing the responsibilities of marriage. Just as the function of a garment is to cover the body and protect it from outside dangers, the relationship between spouses should be such that they both are able to confide fully in each other and share each other’s joys and support one another in their difficulties. They should make their home and family environment a safe space for one another and a source of comfort from the trials and tribulations of day-to-day life for one another as well as their children.
And just as a garment not only covers the body but also gives it beauty and grace, similarly, husband and wife should not only cover and shield each other from external worries, temptations, abuses, etc., but should do so with grace and dignity. Islam recognises the importance of the balance between rights and duties and thus both the husband and wife have been accorded due rights in marriage along with responsibilities. It is emphasised that they will be held accountable by Allah for the discharge of these assigned duties.
The Qur’ān says, “Wives have the same rights as the husbands have on them in accordance with the well-known principles.” (2:228)
Both spouses have a right to be treated fairly by the other and in turn are obliged to treat each other fairly as well.
Abu Huraira reported: The Messenger of Allah ﷺ said, “The most complete of believers in faith are those with the best character, and the best of you are the best in behaviour to their women.” (Tirmidhi)
Another hadith outlines the roles of husband and wife in Islam: Abdullah ibn Umar reported: The Messenger of Allah ﷺ said, “Every one of you is a shepherd and is responsible for his flock. The leader of people is a guardian and is responsible for his subjects. A man is the guardian of his family and he is responsible for them. A woman is the guardian of her husband’s home and his children and she is responsible for them. The servant of a man is a guardian of the property of his master and he is responsible for it. No doubt, every one of you is a shepherd and is responsible for his flock.” (Bukhari, Muslim)
Thus the responsibility of being the breadwinner has been assigned to men and the responsibility of administration of the household, managing the finances of running a house and raising the children are the responsibilities of the wife. (The latter does not prevent the woman from seeking employment in case of financial hardship and serving the needs of society.)
What are the responsibilities of a husband and wife in an Islamic family system with regard to raising children?
Abu Saeed Khudri reported that the Holy Prophet ﷺ said: “Whoever is blessed with children should teach them good manners, and arrange for their marriage when they reach puberty. If someone does not do this and the children take to ways that are forbidden, the parents will be held responsible.” (Baihaqi)
Another hadith states, “A father can give his son (and daughter) nothing better than good manners.” (Tirmidhi)
These ahadith clearly demarcate the fact that the education, training in Islamic knowledge and personality development of children is a joint responsibility of both husband and wife.
In light of the aforementioned Islamic teachings we can infer that:
- It is obligatory for the husband to provide for his family and ensure their comfort and well-being. Further it is also his responsibility to impart sound training to his children and raise them to be devout servants of Allah and valuable members of the Ummah.
- It is the responsibility of the wife to look after the household affairs in such a manner that ensures its smooth functioning and the personality development and Islamic tarbiyah of the children and to raise them into capable individuals.
- Both husband and wife have a responsibility to tolerate each other’s faults with grace and empathy and to support one another in times of hardship. Doing otherwise would not only have negative impacts on their own personal wellness and cause strain on their relationship but would also affect their ability to look after the children properly and would consequently damage the lives of their children too.
In Islam, the need for a robust and meaningful bond between spouses and their responsibilities towards their children has been actively emphasised many times in the Qur’ān and ahadith. This is because the responsibility of protecting the social system from chaos and disruption and of safeguarding the interests and morals of the family from internal and external mischiefs has been placed on their shoulders. The abandonment of these Divinely assigned duties results in estranged spouses, dysfunctional families, neglected children filling their emotional voids by taking recourse to harmful habits, culminating in the spread of social evils in the society.
It is high time we as Muslims revived this awareness within our communities and helped one another to implement these teachings in our own family lives. Most importantly, they must be the priority agenda for us during the time of arranging marriage rather than superfluous things like physical appearances, family pride, etc. We should strive to lead by example and serve as a beacon of guidance for other communities in our society, in this regard. This will be possible only if we first understand these Islamic teachings ourselves and imbibe them in our daily lives.